5 videogame monsters i want to ride like ponies
People who spend time around me in meatspace often have to listen to me mutter, after we’ve concluded an interaction with a hot barista or librarian: “I would ride [them] like a carousel horse.” Maybe next time i’ll write a MILF compendium (no, not moms, monsters), but when i say “ride like a pony,” at least for this article, i mean that literally: I want this creature from a game to carry me around on its back, my stalwart yet also terrifying steed.
I might also want to fuck it, but that’s immaterial. Today, we’re all about badass living mounts:
1. The black eel thing from Gris
Let’s say i can breathe underwater. I don’t want some dipshitty Lisa Frank dolphins zooming me through the depths, you know? I know they can fight off a shark, but i’d prefer my mount be a benthic horror who won’t have to fight a shark because a shark wouldn’t even dare.
Enter the eel from Gris, a manifestation of misery or self-doubt or whatever interpretation you like, but it’s a majestic monster. I’d much rather be clinging to its barnacled back than swimming away from its creepy, stretchy-goo jaws.
2. The white scuttler from the indie pixel game Faith
I don’t know how many people even play this game, but Faith is my go-to Halloween fail. I’ve never finished it. I always intend to! Armed with hot cocoa and popcorn, i turn off the lights and start playing Faith. I arrow-key my way through this simple scrollable pixelated map, exploring haunted ruins and a desolate forest until i get jumpscared by a flash of white legs. There’s only so many times this messed-up humanoid can give me a heart attack before i turn it off and watch Hocus Pocus instead.
I don’t like the idea of being made of pixels, but if i was, i want to chase my enemies while riding this demon-thing’s back and cackle while they scream for mercy. I mean i don’t even have any enemies, but i will make some just so i have somebody to chase while i ride my bony quadripedal friend.
3. Wiggly leggy fish from Wytchwood
The goofiest addition to the list is also probably the most dangerous to ride. It would be like a buckin’ bronco machine on cocaine, zooming and spinning in circles. Wytchwood has a few fun, weird monsters and wildlife, but if i had to ride one, this is my favorite. I admit it would need to grow a lot before i could fit on it.
Or i guess i could shrink, but tbh i don’t think that sounds as fun.
4. The chicken hut from Reka
Yes, the chicken hut from Reka is cheating, because you do get to ride around on its back, that’s its entire purpose. But only in the game, and this is a list of things i want to ride around in real life, fuckdammit.
Imagine guiding your magnificent chicken hut to step right over the chain link fence hemming in a right-wing rally. My gentle chicken hut would be averse to squishing people, unfortunately, but the worst/best thing about a cloaca? Incontinence. The rally would be like a fabulous gay bar foam party only instead of gorgeous drag queens and bubbles, we’d have white supremacist scum and a load of chicken feces bigger than my truck.
5. Avion from (the kinda old game) Shadow of the Colossus
Shadow of the Colossus has many behemoths to choose from, but riding on some of them would make me feel like an ape-shaped tick clinging to King Kong, which… no thank you. This is the second bird i chose, but it’s the one who can fly.
Imagine an ancient, lichen-stained stone temple with a beautiful mossy garden surrounding it, caressed by breezes and clouds. And also you can direct it to snatch Teslas out of parking lots and drop them into the pools of people who have more money than compassion or generosity.
